Wait It Out

So here goes. A serious one. You may not want to read this one. Just gotta get this out.

Well, the main reason I'm on the other side of the world right now, is to breathe. It's been such an intense couple of messed up years. And time is passing, it is getting easier, and for those of you standing back watching what is my life unfold, it may seem like I should be over it. Like I should be ok now. Like maybe it should stop hurting. And not to be brat, but if that's what you're thinking maybe you should stop reading (AND STOP SENDING ME NASTY EMAILS), cause guess what? You don't have a friggen clue.

Not to be a whinge. But. This is the purpose of my trip. To process. To forgive. To move on. To understand. To understand that I'll never understand.

And I am. I'm processing. I'm forgiving. I'm moving on. I'm understanding that no amount of processing, forgiving & moving on, will ever allow me to understand.

And that's ok.

So clearly I'm having a hard day. First tears in 48 days. Not to shabby for the overly emotional being that I am. It's all itunes fault. HA. Just when you thought you'd deleted everything, you realise, not so much.

But it's all good. Dealing with everything. No matter how much it hurts, I know that each day it's gonna hurt a little less. And it's ok that it's taking me so long. Cause I'd rather deal properly. No point pretending right? Right.

When everything first started going down, every morning I'd wake up & say "one day closer to the miracle"

Now I wake up & say "one day closer to leaving all this behind"

It's really just that simple. One day at time. And I'm so lucky & blessed to be having new experiences, I'm so thankful. And truly happy.

And at the end of the crazy day, I love my family. I have and will love them through everything. Nothing in this world could change that. And I really miss them. And I wish I had been strong enough to stay. But I'm proud that I was strong enough to leave.

I'm gonna be just fine.

"Where do we go from here? How do we carry on? I can't get beyond the questions. Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed. It cuts me with every could have been... Everybody says time heals everything, but what of the wretched hollow, the endless in between?" IMOGEN HEAP